Girlfriend’s Guide to Deployment:
Maintaining Intimacy in a Long-Distance Marriage

I am a digi-geek to the core so when my husband deployed, I was completely prepared to maintain a daily stream of electronic messages and updates. I had it all figured out! I have a family website with a blog page that I keep updated with pictures and event news. I send at least one email each day (I say ‘at least one’ because it’s usually many more!). I am especially careful to ensure that he has a new email in his inbox every morning as he begins his workday. I even talk to him on the telephone more often than most. So what’s missing? Despite all of my efforts, the intimacy that we so thoroughly enjoyed while physically together was missing in all of this electronic communication. Our phone calls became an emotionless exchange of information, as did our emails.

Anne Graham Lotz recently spoke to our local PWOC. She explained that the family life that she knew as a child was not unlike the family life that we military families are experiencing today. Her father, the famous evangelist Billy Graham, traveled a tremendous amount and spent very little of his time at home. But one comment that Mrs. Lotz made struck a chord with every wife in the room. “When my father came home from his work, my mother was the well from which he drank.” Wow. Let that sink in for a moment.

Ladies, our husbands are doing incredibly important work. What they are doing is so much bigger than us or our families, just as Billy Graham was serving a purpose much larger than himself in those years. Are we charging our husband’s batteries, or are we draining them?

I began paying more attention to the messages that I was sharing with my husband and how I was delivering those messages. The first change that I made was to filter the family update reports that I made. Instead of telling him that “his child is driving me crazy and that this deployment is having a terrible impact on him,” I began saying things like “we are working through some adjustment issues that will take time but we’ll be fine.” Can you see the difference? Men are, by nature, fixers. If you give him a message that has the underlying message of “fix it” when there’s nothing he can do about it, it’ll only burden him and weigh him down. On the other hand, if you let him know that life is a challenge without him but you’re dealing with it, it says to him that he’s needed and missed but that you’re strong enough to take care of the family while he’s unable to do so himself.

The next thing that I did was begin writing my husband love letters. Yes, I dredged up that old-fashioned art of pen-to-paper letter writing. I reserve this medium strictly for love letters and nothing else. I don’t report on the kids or events, I simply speak intimately to my husband. What do I mean by “intimately?” Let’s just say that my mother-in-law could read these letters without blushing! They’re not too long, either. When my husband finally gets a few minutes to sit down and read a letter (or while he’s walking from one place to another), he doesn’t have much time. I respect that limitation and keep my message short, but personal.

My goal is to write at least one of these letters every few days, but life gets in the way sometimes and it doesn’t get done. That’s okay. He loves the ones he’s received already and often feels guilty for having received something that every many wishes for but few ever get. Did you hear that ladies? He actually said that to me. Don’t think for a moment that your husband isn’t the kind of guy who’d dig this because every man (or person) wants to be told that they’re loved in a real way. This is a real, tangible, personal expression of love that lasts. They can re-read the letters, put them in their cargo pocket and even pull one out in the most challenging of situations for a quick “re-charge.” Remember, Be The Well!

So, what kinds of things do I write? Here are few Letter Starters for you. I’m certain that once you begin, you’ll develop your own ideas that I’d love for you to share with me since 15 months is a lot of letters!

1. Where were you when you learned you were expecting your first child? Second? Third? Fifth! How did you react/feel? My husband was TDY in Germany so I called him from the clinic phone as I couldn’t wait another moment to share our news.

2. Reminisce about the day your first child was born? I ate two full orders of stuffed French toast from IHOP! One of them was supposed to be for my husband!

3. List 10 things you want to do with your spouse when he returns. Restaurants, walk in the park, drink coffee while reading the newspaper, etc.

4. Recall how you felt the first moment you laid eyes on your spouse, exchanged vows, etc.

5. Share a musical lyric or Scripture verse that struck you and made you think of your spouse.

6. What’s the one thing that you miss most about having your spouse around on a daily basis? My husband makes me laugh like no other can. That’s what I miss the most. He cracks me up!

7. Remember moments in your life together. Not trips or events, but moments. How did you feel in that moment?

8. Describe the moment that you knew your husband was your soul mate.

9. Recall the first time you exchanged I Love You’s with your spouse.

10. Tell him about something that you accomplished in his absence that really surprised/impressed you. Tell him how much you appreciate all he does when he’s home.

One point I want to emphasize to you is this: Do not write letters with the expectation of receiving in kind. That’s not fair and completely counterproductive. It’s not about you. Did you hear me? It’s not about you. It’s not about you. It’s not about you. This is something that you are doing for your husband and for your marriage without anything in return. Nothing.

So, there you have it, ladies. Deployment is tough, without question, but your marriage need not be a casualty of this war. Pick up your pens, and work on that intimacy!

Used by permission Tracy Hathaway November 2007